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The Problem with Love Languages


I heard this quote, "Just because you love someone doesn't mean they feel loved by you" and I haven't been the same ever since. That single line shifted my perspective on a whole lot of things. Allow me to explain. Generally, there are five main universal love languages- words of affirmation, quality time, physical touch, acts of service and receiving/giving gifts. This concept is explained in Gary Chapman's book, "The 5 Love Languages" which was first published in 1992. You may argue that there are several more and yes, you're right. But let's assume this to be the base of it all for now.

Now, take the instance of a ten-year-old kid from a rich family who gets everything he wishes for no matter how costly or rare it is. Yes, the fact that his parents are showering him with those gifts would make him happy but imagine a scenario where he has a dance performance at school and neither of his parents show up to support him because they're busy making the money to afford all of his desires. How would he feel when he sees all his classmates' parents there among the crowd but as his eyes scan through them, his own parents seem to be missing? What if he didn't care about receiving all those gifts but actually just wanted his family to be there, supporting him throughout the performance? No, I'm not saying that the parents are entirely in the wrong here. Maybe their way of showing love to their son is by providing him with everything he wants. But when they assume that this makes him feel loved- that's where they go wrong. For quality time would be much greater of a love language to that boy than receiving gifts from his parents. 

Imagine another scenario with a married couple. The husband does all the household chores, cooks food, maintains the garden and so on. He does this as an act of service to his wife- so that she doesn't have to bear the burden of getting these tasks done every day. He does this without her asking him to and he is happy that he does because it is his way of expressing the love he has for her. He cannot express this in any other way. He may not be able to form the words to compliment or encourage his wife in the way she might desire. He may not be able to sweet-talk to her or proclaim grand declarations of love to her amid an epic movie screening. Because that's not the way he loves. But to the wife, her husband might appear to be the most unromantic person in existence if words of affirmation are her love language. The fact that her husband doesn't speak to her and coddles her in the way she wants might cause strain in their relationship. 

Now, I'm not saying the problem here is 'lack of love'. No. It most definitely isn't. With all parties concerned, there might be plenty of love in all of these relationships. But failing to understand the way in which you can make the person you love feel loved- that's where the problem arises. Remember, loving them in the way they want to be loved- that's very very important. Saying "I've done this and this for you; why can't you appreciate me" is the wrong way to go about it. Because they might've not really wanted "this and this". They might've wanted some other thing. It's paying attention to what's important to them that really matters. Tell me, is it some random chocolate or a personalized gift based on your favourite movie or anime or any other thing that would make you more happy? Exactly.

To love someone is to understand them. To feel loved by someone is to be known by them. So the next time you get your mother or your brother a gift for their birthday, do NOT buy them something you like. Buy them something you know they might like. And if your father or best friend values your presence more than any materialistic thing that you could get for them, make sure you're THERE with them on their special day. Love people in the way they want to be loved. Understand their love language and make them happy with that. 

If you love someone deeply, make sure they feel loved by you too. If not, the abundance of love that exists- it might get lost in translation.

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