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The Illusion of Time



When people used to tell me that time flies and that it waits for nobody, I never used to believe them completely. Because then, I was so immersed in the lengthy days I spent in class and the boring hours I laid awake in my bed at night not knowing what to do. But now when I reflect upon it all, what I deemed to be an ample amount of time was actually nothing at all. Because it did, in fact, pass me by too quick. I was just blind to it.

I studied in the same school from kindergarten to tenth grade. That place is like my own home to me. I don't quite remember when I changed schools for eleventh and twelfth grade. The line of distinction between them is too blurry in my memory. I don't remember thinking that my time there would end and I would be rooted in another place for two years. And when I settled in that new place, I was plucked away once again. What I thought would be two prolonged years of my existence just passed by like a gentle breeze and before I knew it, I was enrolling into college. And today I was hit with the realization that my first year of college will come to an end within one month. I'm not sure how I got this far. I'm not sure how I'm about to be a second year in three months. I'm pretty sure it hasn't been that long since I first arrived at my college and met all the people there. Yes, some lectures were awfully boring but I'm not sure I've attended that many lectures to even finish my first-year course. How did time escape me so fast? How am I at this point in my life so quickly?

When I was ten, I wanted to grow up fast. When I was sixteen, that desire persisted- I craved to break free of my shell and become an adult. But when I turned seventeen, I wanted to stay seventeen forever. I wanted everything in my life to be exactly the same. I wanted it all to last- to freeze. But then I turned eighteen, and everything changed yet again. I lost a lot of things I never imagined losing. I met a lot of people I never imagined I would meet. And I turn nineteen in three months and I don't think there's anything more horrifying to me than that. I would turn nineteen and before I know it, my teen years would come to an end as I turn twenty. Time will fool me over and over again. Time will pass me by like the sand I scoop up in my hands at the beach. And that fact- that definite and clear fact- though, irrelevant to me in the past, haunts me now.

I think it started to haunt me for real when I heard about the death of one of my closest childhood friends. The last time we spoke, we ended it on bad terms. I hadn't seen him since. I just assumed I'd meet him in the future and sit across from him, laughing over how petty and dramatic we were in the past. And to be quite honest, I didn't think about him much over the years that passed since our fight. But when I heard about the news from a friend a couple of weeks ago- that it had been months since he passed away in a foreign land- I froze. I froze and thought of how stupid I was to think we could make up in the future. I froze and thought of how idiotic I was to think that there would always be time for that. It's this stupidity and idiocracy of mine that has left me with this regret. I should've gotten in touch with him sooner. I should've cleared the misunderstanding we had. The last memory he had of me shouldn't have been of us cursing each other- of hurting each other. 

But it is.

It is, and I can't do anything to change that fact. Because the time I had to change that, passed me by. And I made no effort to catch up to it.

And it reminded me of this one quote by Mikko Harvey- one that never fails to make me sentimental, and I'd like to conclude with that-

"The number of hours we have together is actually not so large. Please linger near the door uncomfortably instead of just leaving. Please forget your scarf in my life and come back later for it."

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